all i do these days is eat and eat and eat and eat.
pretty much anything i can get my mitts on.
i never know what hunger feels like unless its beem a few hours and im at work where there is no food available for me to gorge on.

i have a fucking deadline.
october 19
why?
a) my all-time favourite musician is showing in my area
b) my boyfriends birthday

i have to be in the mid to low 80s by then....
and i feel like a miserable failure and theres no point in me even trying.

i got my period for the first time in months... since december when i was in the hospital after my assault. when i went into the hospital, i was in the low 90s, when i came out, i presume i was in the mid 80s.... because i was at 83/82.4 for months after that... about 4-5 months after... then all my binge/lax purging caught up wieh me and i gained back into the upper 90s... for a short time i went back into the low 90s and even saw an 89 one day..

then went on vacation, and when i came back my scale was kaput... i dont know what my weight is...

but i have no control, no confidence, nothing that i neeed to get back into that perfection that i once had... perfectly in control, perfectly thin, i loved every bit of me....

now i see hair, fat, monstrosity.. everything i dont want to see is there and its there forever, it feels like..
i need to get on the right track, and STAY there. ims o sick of this bingeing constantly and never ever losing a damn thing.....

i pray to god to get me back where i want to be in order to be happy....
i need someone to call me fat every day and smack my hand away from reaching for something, need my head ot explode with insults and remind me of my goal
a shadow following me whispering in my ear.... where did it go? its fgone....


"I want to be so light, my shadow doesnt touch the ground"